ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
