I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
