She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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