I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
