my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
