i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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