I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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