I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Rumble strips road head = magical
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
