You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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