so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
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You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
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All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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