I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
