this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
