The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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