she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
then he tried to convert me to islam
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
