Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
