I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
