Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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