I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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