i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
