Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
