Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
