Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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