Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
