Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
