Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
