mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
being pregnant is like rehab
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Randomize
