my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?