fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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