I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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