I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
