It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
