Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize