My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
