in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
