the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
