you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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