You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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