mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
