ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
