just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
