The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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