At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
