thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
