I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
