Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
