Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
