Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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