So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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