i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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