Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
