i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
