haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
