Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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