He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
