O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
