Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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