What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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