Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
