good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
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You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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